WISDOM

I speak of adaptation, change, evolution… I experience the shift from one incarnation to the next. Lives, within lives. I shine light onto the shadows and remains of my past lives and wash them away with my future. I choose creativity, hope, inspiration and light as my guides and reject darkness in all its forms. I do not compromise my inner shell with torturous delays or burdens, rather I open freely my heart, soul and mind to a future of promise.

I rise above the folly, myth and legends that told a tale of my existence and seek truth, light and science to bring me to my perfect end. I ask no more for you to follow me, but scream for you to run steadfast far away. Dash quickly to the stars and heavens in haste, so that you may find your way, without me by your side. However, if you choose to linger and watch my evolution then fuse your mind with mine. Share your dreams with me and let the universe entangle our thoughts. Let our dreams become the future and hope of all those who follow…

I will forever remember one dream…

I ran from that dream, out onto my lawn, and fell there - Sleeping until awakened face to face with a field of never ending green, green grass, sweet smelling from the morning dew. I dreamed I was free – that I could take flight - that I could run and feel the wind on my face and coarse ropes and bitter-tasting silence was falling from me.

I dreamed that I could speak as loud as I wish and I could fly.

Silent tears fell from his long and spent soul, as the sweet smelling smoke writhed around him to make faces, which mocked his very existence. A soft whimpering could be heard, but he knew not from where. Each breath was harder than the last, as he tried so desperately to remember the dream he just had.

He could see the fire, the books and even the color of the night sky, but could not see the vision as he remembered just a moment ago. It drifted farther away. He drifted farther away, as he found his faults and his weaknesses.

He will never forgive. He will never forget. The pain he saw was self inflicted.

Silence.

He could hear the beating of his heart. He could feel the blood as it flowed through his veins. He was truly aware of his existence in this placid world he created. A heavy cloud of guilt, which consumed him still hangs above his head. He was aware of his pain, aware of his demonic ways. He knew, too well the harm he created to this evil world.

And he did not care.

My personal space is currently being refitted to accommodate the current shift. The current color scheme I’ve chosen is clear. I like this color on me. It’s fresh and palpable in the sense that I can simply and openly experience what is ahead without hiding behind the facade of opacity. I can now believe in nothing. For a moment.

I spend my days and nights caring, loving and living for my son. I do this alone. Twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. Endlessly. I put aside any freedom, personal space or recreation to be teacher, father, doctor, chef, caretaker, nanny and playmate. I wouldn’t exchange it for the world. We spend our time together, wonderfully experiencing life and the wonderful world around us. I work from home, which gives me the freedom to spend as much time as humanly possible with my son - to take afternoon walks in the beautiful desert, to grab a healthy snack or a pastry at his favorite little hang out, where we experience the kind and wonderful people in this small community we call home.

Adaptation, change.

The world is shifting in unexpected ways, quite expectedly. I look forward to the future, the road ahead and all that must be done. I look forward to holiday visits, for my son’s sake. I look forward. Never looking back for too long. I’ve spent too much of my time obsessing over circumstances of the past. There is no puzzle, no predestined path or well written journal of things to come. There never was. ‘Everything happens for a reason’, is really only an excuse for what has already happened. Our feeble way of explaining why some circumstance may have been ill willed, ill fated or horrific. Everything does not happen for a reason. However…

Everything happens.

Others have moved on, moved forward and created a path that is new and fresh. I, too can look forward now, rejecting the past. I can see beyond all the pain, emotional ties and past hopes. I can rise above what was to be -  truly ready for what will soon be. I’ve waited too long to look ahead, myself. I believed. I believe. I believe in me.

So, I move forward with love in my heart, hope in my future and with a dream held carefully in my hands.

I would love to lie to you and say that I’ll write again soon, but I just don’t feel like putting the energy into an elaborate story as to why I haven’t written in forever and how soon I will write again… Honestly, I have been distracted by all of life’s little gadgets, gizmo’s and ‘ganks’. I could go on about how I have ‘a lot on my plate’ right now, or how I have ‘too many irons in the fire’ - but that’s just never a good enough excuse for anyone. So I’ll just throw all the excuses out the window and write as if I had readers interested in this more recent post - only a short four months later.

I’ve also decided to abandon my typical cryptic and vague posting format to simply share a few things about me, that all the millions of imaginary readers would love to know. Very few things in fact - but let’s be honest here, I haven’t written in a while… I don’t want to bore you right off the bat.

Don’t move while I draw you…

I’ve been creating still - yes. Mostly with graphite, my first love. We have an understanding, graphite and I - we work well together and never fight. I do have a new fling - oils, but we don’t always see eye to eye. But if you look back a few posts, you can see that we still can get along and make magic. I am planning some huge projects with graphite - I’ll keep you posted, I promise. Here’s my favorite recent sketch:

Coming soon to a theater near you…

As some of you know, I have a few ‘irons in the fire’ when it comes to film. One project is the never ending project that is morphing from the ’seven year project’ to more like ten years plus. But yes, Finding Angels is on the back burner of that fire and A Perfect Kiss is finally being developed. I have a few details to work through and I’ll have draft two complete. Of course - that’s when the fun really begins. So keep your fingers crossed and keep holding your breath. I’ll let you know if you turn blue.

Well, kids - that’s all the energy I have for this post. Fear not - I plan on promising myself to update more frequently with more interesting banter/content/noise. Of course, I’ve broken promises to myself in the past, so I can’t give you a guarantee of any kind. But what I can say is this… I think you are wonderful, whoever you are. Thanks for reading.

And now for a coffee break with someone special.

And please, whatever you do… never forget happy little wonderful unicorns…

I awake from my slumber as thunder rumbles, lamenting and tormented in the distance, sharing with me a calamitous tale. I gaze quietly into the darkness, listening to the protesting winds as they share their groans and complaints with me. I no longer believe that I am the only one who can hear the cries of the gods. I am not the chosen one.

I can no longer see through temple walls or clouds of thick black smoke.

I am mortal and impermanent.

Words are no longer whispered in my ear. I see no visions of the future. I carry no keys, maps or objects of significant importance. Light does not shine from my soul. Clocks tick regularly when I am near them. Oceans and beasts do not tremble in my presence. My words do not charm snakes, change lives or divine the future. I do not know the location of the lost city.

However, I do know what you want. I know who you are and why you are here…

…and I am listening.

I have a tendency to delude myself.

I suppose we are all born with this affliction. The triumph is being able to veritably conquer this negative trait and rise above our own chicanery to a more self respecting reality. How often I have found myself looking back questionably trying to reason with and justify my mind’s own trickery. How often I surmise that I was deluded, only to quickly destroy my findings with more specious self-arguments which quickly dilute my theories into pools of fallacy that reek of lies. We are all fools in the end, searching for self truth and justified reason.

I myself am the master of illusions. I can quickly and easily create entire universes that appear as real as the air we breath to me and me alone. My quick wit and charm will take me to heights only I can dream of, while the rest of you continue existing in a gray world bound by rules that do not apply to my fascinating alternate realities. I reside in a world that is kind, generous, filled with adventure and creativity. My world is filled with a hope that cannot be found in this reality we are forced to endure day after day. And for this I am hopeless. I have fallen prey to the darkest of demons… myself.

::hopelessness::

‘Creativity is often born from the hopelessness and forlorn emotions that are rooted in the darkest parts of our hearts. Dreams can be shattered and tumble upon us to bring rise to entire continents of expression. Therefore, I will always be, truly undisputed in my despondent collapsed visions of things that never were or could be.’

I will forever remain deluded, undeniably lost within the chasms of my creative, passionate mind… waiting for you to find me here and rouse me from this slumber that I am eternally bound to.

o l i v i a

It’s funny how unexpectedly something or someone can inspire, motivate and drive us to new heights. (Or old ones that need to be awoken.) People and experiences enter and exit our lives daily, but some stay forever - through art, memories or simple inspiration. After so many years, I pick up pen and brush and begin a series that inspires me. I feel once more, the love of canvas and paint in my hands as I capture my new muse.